Reprinted with kind permission of Debra Hand and the Burnside Organisation. N.S.W. Australia +61 2 6306866
Being a Dad is probably the most important job you”ll ever do.
The way you behave with your kids will have a big effect on them - what they do, how they feel about themselves and how they turn out. As with anything that is important to you, being a dad deserves your time, energy and effort. Sometimes, we need help with being a dad.
If you are a father, you are important to your children. Studies have shown that kids whose dads spend time with them and are interested in them do better at school, are happier and more confident and have higher self esteem.
These days, it is very easy for children to reach high school without having much involvement with their dads. We all want to do the best we can for our kids. But sometimes, as we work harder and harder to give our kids more and more, they actually get less and less of what they need most - us.
If you think about your relationship with your own dad, what stands out? Are there things about that relationship that you would like to change? Is it the sort of relationship you would like your kids to have with you?
What kind of memories would you like your kids to have of growing up? This is your chance to make sure they have those memories.
Kids learn about a man or a woman by being with their mums and dads. For boys, it is harder for them to develop an idea of what it is to be a man if dad is not around much, both parents can have a big impact on their children.
The important thing about spending time with your kids is paying attention to them. Doing things together is a good way of letting your kids know you are interested in them. Kids need some time each day when they have your whole attention.
Older people say the most important thing is to enjoy your kids and be with them now. When most people get to the end of their lives they don’t say “I wish I’d spent more time at work”, but “I wish I’d spent more time with my family”.
After a long day, kids can seem very demanding. Often, we don’t prepare ourselves for coming home to our children. If you think about your kids before you get home, you’ll be much more prepared to give them the attention they need.
Kids love stories, especially about people they know. Tell them about when you were a kid, or what grandma and grandpa did when they were kids.
Dads are especially good at energetic play - let yourself go and enjoy the time with your kids. Come home early one afternoon a month so you can have time to play.
If you have teenagers, try to find out what they are interested in and find things you have in common. Driving teenagers to and from places is a good chance to spend time with them. You don’t have to talk - just listening is very important.
There is nothing more damaging to a child’s self-esteem than being regularly told he or she is stupid, useless, or dumb. Kids develop their images of themselves from what people tell them. They believe the people who are most important to them - usually mum and dad.
Encouraging your kids can happen in lots of different ways :
Kids needs Touch - How do you show your kids you love them? Hugging, kissing, wrestling, ruffling hair and holding hands all tell your kids that you love them and that you are proud to be their dad. Kids naturally respond to affection, but you need to be sensitive about what kind of touch your kids like. Kids Need To Be Listened To - It is important for kids that they are listened to. Take an interest in what they are doing and make sure you listen to them without judging what they say. This is especially important if your kids are teenagers.
Kids Need You To Be Realistic - Kids need you to be realistic about what you expect them to achieve. If their goals are too high, they will get easily discouraged and frustrated. Kids need to be challenged, but not given tasks that are beyond them.
Be interested in what your children are doing. Ask questions that start with “What did..”, “How was..”,”Show me…”, “Tell me…”.
Notice one good thing your kids do and tell them about it. As you see more good things, keep encouraging them. Put a piece of every paper on the fridge and write down every time someone co-operates in the family - you’ll notice it more and more.
Encourage the effort made by your kids as well as praising the results. Try saying….”I can see you worked really hard on that” or “I liked the way you did that…” or “You did the best you could - I’m proud of you”.
For many of us the biggest problem we have with our kids is getting them to behave. Over the years, parents have come to learn that all kids need a consistent routine. They need a structure to their day. Providing them with that routine helps children to feel safe and secure.
Its important that you and your partner are consistent in the way you bring up your kids. It can be very confusing if there is one set of rules for one child and another set of rules for the other child.
There is no harm in saying no to children. Let them know that “No means no”. All kids will test you to see if you really mean what you say. Remember how you were as a child?
You are a role model for your kids. Most of the lessons your kids learn in life will come from you and their mum. Its up to you to decide what those lessons will be. Don’t just tell kids what you want - show them.
Kids are more likely to do what you ask because they know you care about them and respect their feelings, not because they are frightened of you.
When your kids muck up, let them know that it is their behaviour that you don’t like, not them.
Encourage responsible behaviour by letting your kids see that you trust them.
If you have made a mistake, admit it and say sorry. Kids are very forgiving and will see that if you can say sorry, they can too.
If you feel yourself getting out of control, stop and do something else. parents often regret things they say or do in the heat of the moment.
There are many dads who don’t get to see their kids as much as they would like. But whether you see your kids every day, once a week, or only once a month, you are still very important to them.
Being in touch means a lot of kids - write a note or postcard, send a photo, ring up regularly or give your kids a phone card so they can call you too.
Being a dad who doesn’t see his kids all the time can be hard for everyone involved. For the sake of your kids, it’s important that the time you spend with them is as enjoyable as possible.
Kids need to know what’s is happening. If you are planning to visit, let the kids know what you are planning - where, when, how long …? It is very important to be reliable about these visits. Kids love both their mum and dad and usually like spending time with both. They often don’t understand why dad can’t see them this weekend when he said he could.
If you have problems talking to your ex partner, don’t involve the kids. It’s not their problem. Even if you can’t agree on other things, try and agree about the kids.
And remember - your kids don’t love you for the presents you buy them. They love you because you are their dad.
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